Starting over when you thought you had it all...

Most people probably assume but my latest relationship just ended and I have never felt this awful. I have never felt so sad. I already felt lost because of depression yet I always thought I still had her. I believed she would never leave no matter what my pain did to me and boy have I realized how selfish depression really is. That statement alone makes me realize why I am in this situation again. I have lost myself completely and created two versions of myself. The shell that is hard and can be mean in defense of my pain and what I expect to happen because of my past and then the inner part that is empty and knows nothing about myself that begs for love from everyone and more than anything wants love for myself and love from a forever. Only one is actually correct and that is the one that is empty. The one that is hard is a facade. A fake shell of emotions that lets people in only a little. I have a false sense of strength and independence. I have a false security in my emotions to let people in. I choose what people know and what they don't. I am starting this blog to start the process of being the most vulnerable I have ever been. I want to bridge the gap in the life I have created. I want to mend the pain and feel real strength. Not strength I create to appease people. I want pain to make me grow instead of making me fake. I am about to embark on a road trip that is for the sole purpose of finding myself and understanding the positive in all the pain that I always ignored as if mine wasn't valid because someone always had it worse so why should my pain matter. Realizing what I have been through is valid and it is important and has shaped me. I need to pick a side. Bravery and courage or the facade I have chose until now. Please join me in this discussion of you can get past my grammar and hear my story. :)